An Honest Resume by Brad Eddy
412 888 6500
bradley.eddy19@gmail.com
David Bradley Eddy
4515 Melbourne St
Pittsburgh, PA 15207
EDUCATION
University of Montana
MFA, 2007
Graduated with a 3.9 GPA (Everyone gets A’s, though)
OBJECTIVE
An employment opportunity in marketing, business, hotdog sales or funeral operations (anything with health insurance), or the type of thing that might impress an ex, make her think about things
WORK HISTORY
Professional Time Waster, Stat Juker and Corporate Shill at The Student Partnership—Pittsburgh, PA (March 2014—Current)
Reason for leaving: Still employed, but can’t look at self in mirror
Toils at non-profit that provides school supplies to teachers and students at low income schools
Leads teams of 50+ volunteers to complete non-integral activities such as recounting pallets of pens, inventorying office furniture and sweeping dirt hillsides
Designs creative upcycling projects to eliminate supervisor’s burgeoning hoard of junk
Wastes time and energy of over 3,000 unique volunteers in current fiscal year
Facilitates supervisor’s yearly bonus by providing juked and specious volunteer number
Fills dumpster with failed upcycled items
Continued working trade show after receiving text message from wife declaring she had moved out, thus earning one and only “at-a-boy” from supervisor
Co-dependent Lackey and Token Young Person at The Intersection—McKeesport, PA (April 2011—February 2014, aka, an eternity)
Reason for Leaving: Unceremoniously fired by Mother Superior’s lover due to lapses of reason
Helped cruel, elderly nuns run a soup kitchen in one of state’s poorest communities
Daily reaffirmed notion in 80+ year olds that, yes, the state and local governments are out to get them
Explained virtues of social media to management and then wholeheartedly agreed it’s the downfall of society
Accepted blame for everything from leaky roof to solar vortex, eroding confidence but making everyone else feel light and airy
Wrote grants, broke up fights
Bragged about beautiful, genius wife and quit living for self
Spruced up soupy chili with Sriracha
Online Tutor and Small Piece of Huge Problem at Evil Online Tutoring Giant (July 2010—Current)
Reason for Leaving: Still fucking employed, now that you mention it
Responded to student essays in thirty minutes or less because that’s how being a considered respondent works
Politely pointed out rampant plagiarism in dissertations of doctoral students at for-profit universities
Became expert at using condescending questions to confuse and baffle students, e.g., “Do you think this phrase is a bit too formal, Stanley?”
Worked in pajamas with cat on lap, declaring things will be different soon.
Secretly loved indolent life until all semblance of potential died inside
Turned reclusive, spent downtime reworking Decemberists songs into cat-centric renditions, including “Kitten’s Revenge Song” and “The Little Murderer, High Above the Ground”
Adjunct Professor and Brief Interlude to Student Beer Pong at West Virginia University (August 2008—May 2010)
Reason for Leaving: Willingly left opportunity for advancement to move out of state with someone incapable of love
Taught four sections of composition a semester, piquing students’ interest by wearing tight shirts and showing clips of The Wire
Read and commented on dozens of Big Game and Dead Grandmother essays without becoming an obdurate jerk
Preened for a year as the only charming, single dude in department
Met someone, moved in, kissed in photo booth
Used advanced degree in Lying for first time to explain why I’d begun mailing it in (car accident, broken computer, etc.) when really shacked up with hot girlfriend
Wrote parodies of student writing, including a research paper on Long John Silver’s and a series of haikus on how Remember the Titans ended racism
Graduate Student and Hopeful Polly Anna at The University of Montana (August 2005—May 2007)
Reason for Leaving: Graduated, realized I had accomplished nothing, moved home
Moved across country with big dreams and boxes of books
Read all assigned reading, more or less
Fought loneliness by quickly mastering a budding writers’ two most valuable tools: drinking and complaining
On occasion, even wrote
Discussed virtues of Garamond font, compared Isaac Babel translations in coffee shops
Showed up to teach over 90% of assigned courses
Ate pancakes, looked at elk, discussed unreliable narrators and George Saunders
SKILLS
Leading and organizing others. Writing, the less formal the better. Creative problem solving. Also, creating creative problems. Working independently, hiding screen when writing stories. Classroom management/student appeasement. Keeping a more or less updated gradebook. Planning to complete long and short term projects—occasionally completing them. Developing curriculum and learning activities. Not taking credit for most creative activities, promising initiatives. Depersonalizing when things matter. Spinning a web of sardonic platitudes. Depersonalizing. Stuffing it down. Walking in the rain.
Brad Eddy lives in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania where he, well, does the things mentioned in his resume. He writes fiction regularly and non-fiction sparingly.